stfu · jensen.

yesterday was cinco de mayo. and i did what i said i was going to do. i went over to my sisters, and got drunk and high. well, i met her at her roomates marrissa's work, which is a golf course, so there was a bunch of old men there. and we drank a little. casey was already messed up because she had taken half of a xanax bar the night before and passed out and was still feeling it, plus she had already been drinking some. i drank two glasses of pineapple and cranberry with vodka. i'm not a beer kind of girl, so i went for that instead. then after that we went back to the apartment and were supposed to go eat mexican then come back and get drunk. (oh, all the people that we were with: casey, me, jessica tolley, josh witticker (sp?), pete (the neighbor who borrows "sugar" from my sister"), and his two friends that he was in the army with. one was a guy who they called la'gay because that's his last name, and the other was misty. her husband and her were good friends with those guys, and her husband died recently. it's so sad. and then some guy named ... well, i don't remember his name. but he lives in those apartments too and knows those people. who was a nerd, but a cute nerd, and he was starting to flirt with me in the hot tub but nothing ended up happening. anyways, we were at the apartment and decided to smoke and just go get some tequila and chill in the hot tub. so we did. it took forever because we had to go so many places, but in the end it was fun. we chilled in the hot tub for a while, then went and smoked some more, then we went back out to the hot tub. we jumped in the pool too like idiots because we were drunk and high and wanted to have fun. it was cold, but worth it. josh and jessica were flirting a lot but jessica didn't want to mess around with him because my sister has before. they've supposedly gone through a lot together sexual wise, i guess. anyways, we finally went back up to the room after i've drank a whole glass of a margarita, which had a whole bottle of tequila poured into it, and then a whole glass of this drink called "sicilian kiss", which was good as hell, but strong. casey passed right out when we got to the apartment. all that was left was me, josh, and jessica. well, jessica passed out. and josh and i were watching pineapple express and smoking, and we started messing around. we ended up having sex. he's almost 26, has been in jail, who knows how many people he's had sex with. i am horribly angry with myself. but it felt good. i was talking to sidney about how ...or was it chelsea? about how i like to have sex. what's wrong with it? guys can do it, so can i dammit. it's not fair that girls are whores if they have sex with people. i've only had sex with five guys now. i'm nowhere near half of my friends even. so i don't think i'm doing so bad. i'm trying to live my life to the fullest and do what i want. if i'm not happy right now, that's okay. i'm a fucking wreck. but i don't care. it's how i'm supposed to be. this is my life and i've just got to ride it out and things will turn out the way they're supposed to in the end. and i will be happy. i've been seriously thinking about thinking about joining the airforce. dad has been bugging the shit out of me for the longest time saying it will be a great experience and they pay for college and blah blah. and the traveling and the people i will meet! i really want to think about it...but at the same time i'm just not sure if i could do it. if i could leave everybody. i know it's not forever but for some reason that kind of stuff has always bothered me. i'm not sure why. i need to experience things outside of freaking mt juliet tn. or just tennesse in general. i want to see things! i've got one time to do this. one life. i want to live it to the fucking fullest! i think i'm going to consider it...my dad will get a kick out of this. i think everyone will. it's definitely not like me to do. i really must be fucked up in the head now..


"I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention. For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks-accidentally-and punctures your skin. And then there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you’re alive." -Running With Scissors