stfu · jensen.

i'm not sure if i ever mentioned this, but nicole and i had stopped being friends for maybe two weeks. maybe three, i'm not for certain. we're friends again, but i can tell how much she puts kade before me. it's understandable a little because for some stupid reason most girls do that anyways, but she's doing it ridiculously. it almost seems as if she's obsessed with him. he treats her like shit and she loves him sooo much. just because he's being sweet now doesn't mean it's going to last and she knows it. he does it all the time, and she believes him every time. having a child with him is only a good excuse to a certain extent. it's way beyond that point now. he might as well not even be the father anyways, so she basically can't use that excuse at all. and when i say that i mean that he never sees kayden, never does anything for him, the only thing he did was donate his sperm, and he didn't even do that really willingly thinking that a child would come from it. we all know that. he's too imature and stupid to have a child. i'm starting to think that the things i'm saying are a little harsh, so i'm going to stop myself here because i feel bad, even though i shouldn't.  the point of all of this is that yes, nicole and i are friends again, but i can tell the difference. i'm starting to question why she even apologized in the first place, because i keep getting the vibe that things are weird between us and i keep feeling paranoid that she's using me, even though i don't know what i have to offer that someone could use me for. i just feel like she doesn't really care that much about our friendship. but why should i feel that way when she was the one who came to me apologizing? i shouldn't, but i do. i feel like nicole and i are at our best when her and kade aren't doing good. that's sad. it's really sad that she can't balance the two out, but that's the way she is. and i've known that for all the 8 years i've been best friends with her. i've known it, and i've stuck around. in the end, it's my own fault for feeling like shit when she ditches me or ignores me or chooses kade over me. but i do have to point out that who has been there for her EVERY SINGLE TIME that kade has hurt her in any way, to listen to her rant and cry and say how that's it, no more...i have. i've been there every time. to listen to her, to give her advice, a shoulder to cry on. or just to get high with so we can forget all the shit we've been going through. i have. i've been there when he chose not to be. when he's decided that he's getting tired of her, or she's getting on his nerves, or just when he wants to be an asshole for no reason, i've always been there. and yet she still chooses him over me. when the day comes that he really doesn't want anything to do with her anymore, and that's it, it's really over, who will be there? will i be there then? i can't say for certain, but i probably will be. when he's gone from her life (not completely, hopefully, and i'm only saying that because of kayden) and she doesn't have him around, i'll still be there, just like i always have. and whether or not she'll realize all that i've done for her and be grateful for it, i really can't say. i'm not sure she's ever chosen to see it. 
now, on to sidney. i think i've mentioned that i haven't been talking to her much lately. we're drifting apart, and i know she sees it. i know she knows her ignoring me and ditching me has bothered me, and i also know that she doesn't care. well sidney, if it doesn't bother you, please don't come to me when you and rob are having problems. she texted me last night telling me about rob cuddling with another girl while he was drunk. i was there for her of course, but i probably shouldn't have been. why should i care anymore? has she been there for me lately? does she know ANYTHING that's going on in my life anymore? does she even care to? no. she doesn't. because if she did she would have made an effort. and the excuse "phones go both ways" doesn't apply here. it won't work. because i have tried. not a whole lot, but why would i if i'm getting nothing in return when i do try?
i just don't know anything anymore. i love nicole and i love sidney, but i feel like we're all drifting, and they don't care, but i do.





"Is there anything that I could do that someone doesn’t do for you?
That someone didn’t do for you? That I haven’t already done for you?"