stfu · jensen.

turn up the volume on your computer.




hey! you! do you know you've changed? have you changed? or is it just to me? you know, sometimes i feel like i don't even know you. did i ever know you at all? you seem to be a completely different person now.  what happened to my sweet, caring guy? what happened to my friend? where the hell did he go? because the person i see now is just like all of those other guys out there. just another jerk that gives us girls no hope. what happened to still caring about me? because i don't think you do. i don't think i'm anything to you anymore but some girl you used to know.

well, i can't spend time talking about you anymore. you see, it's been, what, five months almost? for some reason it seems so much longer. but then i think about it and we will have been broken up for half of a year soon. that makes it seem longer. i just can't believe i still miss you. well, i miss who you were. i miss who we were. and we won't have that back, so you'd think knowing that i could just get over you. but i can't. why do i want someone who doesn't want me? isn't it "if someone doesn't want you they don't deserve you anyways"? so why do i feel like i'm the one who doesn't deserve you? like i don't deserve love. why do i still think there must be something wrong with me that makes people not want me or pushes people away. i thought i had a lot to offer. but i guess in the end it's not enough. maybe one day a good guy will come along who really appreciates me.

did i mention there is a guy that is actually a good guy who was interested in getting to know me? it's bridgette walker's boyfriends friend. (i know what you're thinking. 'bridgette??') she simply asked me at work one day if i was interested in meeting a guy she knows. she said he's a really nice guy and showed me a picture of him. he's not the cutest thing ever, but i've seen worse looking. what got me though was that she said he was genuinely a good guy. i need a good guy. but i saw it as a sign the other night when nicole, kade, and i were driving through the kroger parking lot and i was high. and i mean REALLY high. kade had some really good dro that we smoked. and i saw shawn (that's his name), bridgette, and her boyfriend standing in the parking lot. and i couldn't help but think "that guy is entirely too good for me". he goes to church, he is clean cut, i'm SURE he wouldn't want me smoking or drinking or anything that i do. ethan was the only guy i ever stopped doing that stuff for. to me, he was worth the sacrifice (which at the time, wasn't that much anyways.) but i just couldn't change who i am now unless it was for him again (don't ask why, it's just that any guy i would ever get with besides him wouldn't care). probably because every guy i go after now is a big pothead or drinker and only wants me for one thing. so is it so suprising that my outlook on guys lately isn't a good one? it shouldn't be. in the end, i don't think i will be getting to know shawn. i just don't think it would work out. we have nothing in common and he is too good for me. in both the ways you can think of. (and if you can't think of which two ways i am talking about, it's too good as in boring, and too good as in he deserves better than me).

last night when i was high, i was (well, nicole was) texting jared (prall). he was a little tipsy and asked if i had feelings for him? a little random. i mean, i'm attracted to him..but i don't know. i never thought he was interested so why allow myself to try to have feelings for him? (notice i said try). since nicole was texting for me i just told her to say "maybe" and ask him. and he said maybe too with a smiley face. and then today i didn't talk to him until nicole texted him again for me and asked if what he had said last night was because he was drunk. he said he was only tipsy and his answer to the question was, "i guess idk". by then i was home and simply texted him saying that i would let him go because since it was taking him a while to respond i assumed he was busy and didn't want to bother him. and he never texted back. nicole seems to think that he does have feelings for me, otherwise he wouldn't have asked. but you know, i know guys (or i seem to think i do, but i probably don't as much as i think), and i just think that he was just wondering. i don't know, and i don't feel like worrying about it and letting it bother me.

"Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet." – Plato



"It took me a lifetime to realize things don't get lost if they don't have value- you don't miss what you don't care about."



A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably.
--William Penn



I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.
- Looking For Alaska

"And then I realized it isn't about love. It isn't about anniversaries and white picket fences. I started thinking that I didn't need love. I needed to be needed. I needed to be idolized. I needed to be that thing that a person stares at and wants more than anything in the world. I always thought love was, I don't know, this intangible, impossibly beautiful thing. But then I realized that there isn't anything like that in the world. Love isn't unreachable, and when you do reach it, it's definitely not entirely beautiful, and that was sort of disappointing for me. All those dreams I'd had when I was a little girl, all those epic poems and fairytales were useless and wrong. Eventually, though, I came to realize that I could be that beautiful thing. I could be the thing everyone reached for and dreamed about. I could be the thing that made a person feel incredible, and I could be the thing that tore them apart. I could be what love wasn't."



"no matter what angle i look at you, you're always perfect"



"i am not broken- only slightly damaged. self-inflicted- i would never give you that victory. i am bitter and i am hurt and i am ready to move on from this. the process is slow and agonizing, but such is life, and so i deal."