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how do i pull myself out of this hole that i am falling deeper and deeper into? my life is becoming a mess. my cell phone bill is $533.58. and do you want to know why? because of people constantly calling my phone for jordan because he's got what they want. there is no way that i can get that much money before the time is up without help. and i have no one to help me. i can't tell my dad because what am i supposed to tell him the reason is for my bill being so high? "dad, i need to borrow some money... a lot of money actually." "well, what for??" "well...you see...jordan ran my phone bill up because he gets a lot of phone calls because ***, and he just doesn't have any money right now because frank used all the rent money to bail his friend out of jail because *** and now we don't even have money for rent, let alone for him to even HELP with my cell phone bill.." how do you think that conversation would end? it's impossible... i had to drop my history class today. i was going to fail it regardless. i just can't handle 15 hours for my first semester at college. i don't even know how to study really. how am i supposed to make it in college? i am grateful that i have my family and close friends to keep pushing me to work harder and not give up. if it weren't for them i would probably work at kroger for the rest of my life, getting my measly 10% discount on kroger items only. stress is just becoming overwhelming in my life at this point. i feel as though jordan is going nowhere, and so does everyone else. no one has faith in mine and his relationship, so of course that's going to make me question it. i love him so much and do not want to give up on him, but i need to focus on my life too. i need to worry about making my life better and not just put it on pause because his is. i want him to make something of himself if he's wanting to be with me forever. i need a man who can support me and our children, with my help of course. i need to know that the bills will be paid on time. i can't have him thinking that it's okay for everything to be late, because it's not. especially once you're an adult, which we both are now. it's time to grow up and get our shit together. i'm trying, now it's his turn.
"and sometimes, when your mind gets going, you just can't seem to get it to stop. it's like never-ending spinning, going around and around, thinking about those things you don't really want to know about yourself. but you can't get it to stop. the thoughts just clog your mind, your every movement. you can't do anything without thinking, and eventually you don't want to think anymore, but really, it's all you've got." "i would love to meet people that have their mind straight and don't bring any problems into my life. i want to meet more people that think about the same things that i do. most of all, i want to meet more people with good hearts and good brains." 
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i have been neglecting my writing. i'm finding it harder and harder to be able to do the things that i want to do, when i want to do them. i guess i never fully realized how much time school actually does take up. and i barely even do anything. life is hectic lately. or more, extremely stressful. i hate it. i feel like i'm starting to be depressed again or SOMETHING. i'm blaming it on the stress, but i really don't know. i've been contemplating trying out some kind of medication to help me deal with my anxiety or whatever it is that's wrong with me. but i never end up going to see a therapist because i feel like everytime i go i'm just some whiney bitch in there talking about my "problems", which aren't really problems at all. at least in other people's eyes that is. jordan and i are still together. i love him so much. but we fight entirely too much. and i will put most of the blame on me for the arguments. but he doesn't make them any better because when i get mad about something he just continues to argue with me constantly trying to prove that he's right. what i keep trying to tell him, (and for some reason keep failing to get him to understand and don't know how else to get him to see what i'm trying to say), is that you can't argue with someone's feelings. if i'm telling him how i feel, he should console me, or AT LEAST just listen to me without saying anything. but i feel like he just argues with me instead. and it really hurts me and just makes me stress out even more. i would never want to break up with him, but things are just so hard lately with him. i know that once we make it through this we can make it through anything. we will be moving in together soon, so i sure hope that i'm right at least. even though there are plenty of other things that i could update on, i'm feeling like going to bed now. i never go to sleep earlier anymore.
"They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference." -Bill Hicks  "this is what i know about love: that it is tested everyday, and what is not renewed is lost. one either chooses to care more or to care less. once their choice is to care less, there is no stopping the momentum of goodbye."
"the thing is, while we are all full of insecurities, mine might just be a little different. i just need to know that you love me as much as i love you. and that if you had to choose, you'd pick me over any other girl in the world."
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"i've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. i've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled christmas tree lights. i've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. i've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." i've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. i've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. i've learned that whenever i decide something with an open heart, i usually make the right decision. i've learned that even when i have pains, i don't have to be one. i've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. people love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. i've learned that i still have a lot to learn. i've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" maya angelou |
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it's been almost a month since i've written. a whoollleee lot of stuff has happened. jordan and i are still together but let's just say that we've already been through a hell of a lot in this past month. we've done a lot a lot of stuff together too. we might be getting a puppy :D and a place together. and we're going to texas in like, a week. i still haven't told my dad. i need to soon. i don't really feel like doing this right now. i'll update some other time. |
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so as of monday, june 22, jordan wood and i officially became boyfriend and girlfriend :) i know that i just recently met him but there's just something about him that i'm so very drawn too. and i knew i was almost ready for a relationship, that i just had to wait until the right guy came along, and he's that right guy. he treats me with so much respect, he's cute, he makes me laugh, he's the most interesting person i've ever met. i learn something new about him everyday. he's had a kind of hard life, but that's what's made him who he is today, which is someone that i'm liking a whole lot already. the only thing is that i'm not sure if i can fully trust him yet. he understands and is willing to do whatever to make me trust him...but i just don't know. supposedly he had been trying to get with haley but i don't think he was...yet it still bothers me. i'm not sure why, but i hate it. i don't know...right now i'm just trying not to even let it bother me and not care, because then that means there's no way that i can get hurt. i don't want to get hurt again...
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i have no idea what i want anymore. i've been talking to daniel for a little while now and i do like him. i like to talk to him and stuff. he's really sweet and i can tell he'd be a good boyfriend. but i don't want a boyfriend. or i don't want him to be my boyfriend..i don't really know which it is to be honest. i can't say that if a guy came along and i was really feeling him that i wouldn't be in a relationship with him. so that's why i don't know if it's just him...or if i really don't want one. it's not chase either i can tell you that. i don't really want to even hang out with him. i'm not saying that to be mean..it's just that i'm not into him. and there's this guy named jordan (i think i've talked about him before actually), and i'm really into him actually. but it's weird with him. everything is confusing. i'm not sure where his life is going or if he's even good for me. he told me he likes me and is liking getting to know me, and i'm liking getting to know him too. but he's had a pretty crazy life. he's gotten into quite a bit of trouble and stuff. but he's realllyy interesting, and he likes me. and he's cute. and i have to say i'm liking him more than daniel right now at this point. and i don't know what to do about it because i don't want to hurt daniel. i can't just tell him that i don't want to talk to him anymore, because i'd feel really mean. and i do like him, i just like jordan more. i just don't know what to do. i know if i keep lying to him that this is all going to come back and bite me in the ass and i'll be alone and unhappy. but that's what i am now anyways. sometimes i just want to tell every guy that tries to talk to me that i'm not interested at all. sometimes i just don't want anything to do with guys. maybe i do just need to be by myself. but i'd feel like a complete bitch for leading daniel on the way i have...i just don't know how to turn around from where i'm at with him. i don't know how to erase everything i've said. i hate hurting people. i don't see how guys can do it so easily...
"Don’t put your faith in my heart, I will only let you down
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so, on monday i went with tabby to get her tattoo on her ribs. it's a quote from the wizard of oz. it says, "hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." i love it. it looks really cute, and he did an excellent job on it. after that i stayed the night at moms house, and sidney came over too and we smoked. we also watched the movie slumdog millionare. it is basically my favorite movie now. it's really sad, but still a very good movie. then on tuesday i hung out with chelsea and smoked and then hung out with sidney. on wednesday i finally got to hang out with daniel. and brett bochette hung out with us too. it was pretty fun. we were just hanging out in the green hills church parking lot. then thursday chase and his step brother stopped by and we smoked for my birthday present from chase. ha. and yesterday was my 19th birthday. i went and ate lunch at some mexican restuarant with mom, then drove all the way back home to find sidney's makeup that she left over here. then went all the way out to moms house to meet up with tabby, then drove alll the way to 12th avenue south, which is basically downtown, and got two more tattoos :D i got my elephant on the side of my left leg, and trust in japanese on my right wrist. but the only thing is...it doesn't look like my left wrist. they're different fonts i guess you could say. trust is thinner than fate. it kind of bothers me, but the guy and everyone else says it doesn't look bad...so whatever. i just wanted them to look just alike. it would have looked a lot better, but it's too late now.. sidney met us up there, then when we left we went back to moms house and chelsea met us there. then we all went back to sidney's apartment, smoked, then left and went to eat chili's. we were all a little high and we all act super goofy when we are, so we were kind of making a scene in chili's, but we didn't really care. after that we just went back to sidney's apartment where we just smoked the rest of the night. olivia and korie came over for a while (they're sidney's friends that i know), and then mikee came over and smoked a blunt with us for my birthday. after that chelsea, tabby, and mikee left. so sidney and i watched some tv, then went back to her room and basically just passed out. not a lot of people remembered it was my birthday... kind of makes me feel not important...but whatever. i'm going to try to not think about it. i'm going to hang out with the family today and granna and papa's, then later dad is taking me out to eat. and i think i might hang out with daniel later tonight. we'll see.
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tonight was weird as hell. right now i'm high...really high. after work i went over to marks and him and i smoked in his hot tub. i got sooo high. he's been feeling sick lately so being hot in there, and high, made him throw up. then hearing him throw up made me throw up. i've been feeling pretty nauseous lately. i'm not sure what it is. well, i didn't even really throw up. it was all stomach acid because i hadn't really eaten anything today. and i think my lack of sleep also has something to do wtih me not feeling so well. i'm actually exhausted, but i wanted to write this down so i could remember it. i remember feeling sooo light headed. i've never felt that messed up in my life. i couldn't control it. i felt like i was going to die. i could feel my skin burning. i didn't like it at all. it seems like this shit was laced with something. but it couldn't be unless only parts are, because we smoked a blunt of it wayy this morning and i didn't get like that at all. it's probably just me being exhausted. i think that's what it is. i am sooo high right now. my head is so heavy and my eyes are basically closed. i'm going to eat and pass out.
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last night was insane. every time i hang out with haley is insane actually. i worked until eleven, and since SOMEONE bailed out on getting me some, i wasn't even going to get to smoke..but then haley called me and told me she was going to be chillin' with jordan (who lives with corey and this guy named r.j., but seems to be nothing like them), and invited me to come. so i did. when i got there he wasn't there, and shaggy called haley. he was coming home from work so we were going to chill with him too i guess. so he got there with corey (who stayed sitting in the car, like a weird ass) and we were just sitting on the porch talking, then we had to go get gas. after that we ended up going to get jordan, just to tell him he had to get out of the car while we went and got the green. that was an adventure, let me tell you. i'm not going to mention anyones real names, but we met this guy....we'll call him...will. he's a big black guy. and to everyone else he probably does look scary as hell. he's super big into snorting powder too. but to us, he was really nice. he liked us he said. he's gotten into some crazy shit though, and is super paranoid. he wouldn't even tell us his last name or anything. it's understandable though. he raps too. he knows some big rappers (i forget which ones though). then after we dropped him back off we went back and got jordan. we smoked and drove around. then went on "a mission" (shaggy was soooo faded) at walmart, at three in the morning. let's just say people were staring a little. we were probably a sight to see. i can just imagine it: 4 kids, high as hell, walking around walmart, not even getting anything, not even really looking at anything. just walking and then walking out. then we sat in the walmart parking lot for literally like, an hour. just sitting there. then we left and went back to pookies. shaggy just went home becuase he was super tired. and jordan, haley, and i sat in haley's car. smoked some more and drove back roads from hermitage to lebanon then alllll the way back. it seemed like the longest ride ever. jordan has to be one of the most interesting people i've ever met. i'm really really attracted to him. it sucks because he's into haley. but it's whatever. anyways, i guess i could mention some stuff about him so i'll remember what he's like.. he went to mcgavock and used to live in mt. juliet, used to work at target, lived in other states. he used to do meth, but isn't anymore, thank god. he's done a lottt of stuff. i don't feel like talking about him anymore. after we dropped him off at his house we went back to pookies and passed out. then i woke up and came home. today i work and then afterwards i'm going to mark's to smoke and get in his hot tub! i love hot tubs. it's weird how guys try to talk to a girl. something about the way they do it makes me laugh.
"The advantage of a bad memory is that one can enjoy the same good things for the first time several times." "I wanted to tell him that I will never be sorry for loving him. That in a way I still do- that maybe I always will. I’ll never regret one single thing we did together because what we had was very special. Maybe if we were ten years older it would have worked out differently. Maybe." -Forever by Judy Blume
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i'm actually not in the mood to do this, but i know that i need to. otherwise, i'll forget it all. ahhh the joys of smoking marijuana. speaking of, i'm not even high right now. it sucks really bad. sidney and i have been hanging out a lot more again lately. i'm glad. she's the one friend that i know will always be there. even when we go a while without talking, even if we get in an argument. we'll always be there for each other. and i really think we'll always be best friends. i had to go to customs tuesday and wednesday. it was okay. i met some girl named andrea. she was nice. that's all i really have to say about that though. it wasn't very interesting. sidney helped me with my schedule. it will be okay i guess. i'm trying not to really think about school right now. it's going to be weird once it starts though. tuesday was centrals graduation. sidney and i went to it. then afterwards we smoked and then hung out with corbin and i drank some. we actually got really fucked up. nothing happened of course, but it was really fun. i'd say that corbin is my best guy friend for sure. i really like hanging out with him and i just think we're actual friends. he's not just one of those guys that only talks to girls when he wants to get with them. thank god. but yeah, we got pretty fucked up. then the next day i smoked with taylor. i got sooo high. and the weird thing is that we only smoked two bowls. it was out of his new pipe that he got. i can even say that i probably shouldn't have been driving. it was raining and stuff. i've never been so high that i saw things, but i was last night. when the rain hit the pavement i swear to god it looked like little frogs. so weird! and when i was sitting in the spot that nicole and i used to smoke at i swear i kept seeing something in the woods that looked like a flashlight. i was trippin somethin crazy i swear.. today i went and hung out with haley. and the neighbor that lives next door came over and was talking to us. he's 22, and his name is shaggy. he was drunk and high, and hilarious. and he seems like a really nice guy, just bad into drugs and stuff. he just got out of jail not long ago. he was in there for like, a year. and he told us about this time that he was on oc's and robbed a gas station. he didn't take money though...he took allll their chips. i was thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK? chips??". but haley told me that when you take those it makes you do shit like that. i've never really fucked with pills enough to know that. he helped us find some weed, and then his friend corey came over, and we all smoked together. they are some crazy guys i swear. dude for real carries a gun with him alll the time. he showed shaggy some rag thing in his pocket with blood on it, and told him something that haley and i couldn't here. they're crazy as hell. i'm not sure if i could hang out with them all the time. it sucks though 'cause they're pretty cool guys. i just don't need to let myself get into stuff like that. they're hardcore motherfuckers i swear. i've never met anyone like them before. hahaha. it was a pretty funny experience. then what sucked was that shaggy is all trying to talk to me now and stuff. i wish he wouldn't have crossed that line. i'd rather him just be cool with me and be friends, not trying to get with me. it always makes things more difficult. speaking of talking to people, this guy, daniel, that i went to school with...well, i guess we're talking. idk...not sure if i really want to call it that right now. maybe after we go on a date or something. we've really just been talking so far. he seems really nice though. but then again, so do most guys. we'll just see what happens :)
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today, daniel and travis came into kroger. it was awkward. i pretended i didn't see them, and i guess they did the same. i hate this.
tonight is one of those nights where i miss having a boyfriend. i just miss someone holding my hand and hugging me and thinking to text me right when he gets off work because he's missed talking to me. i miss the cuddling. just the little things. i'm high as hell right now. mmm. i really need to slow down though, being for real. it took my two bowls tonight to get high. what the fuck? two bowls. that's too much.
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"
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the past week and a half has basically been one big blur. last monday, the day that i updated, i was with tabby and sidney. that day was so weird. when i got to sidney's everything was going okay. we got all of rob's stuff together and we were going to throw it all over his yard. but then some drama happened with her roomates and tabby came over and we were all going to smoke but we couldn't at the time so we had to wait and then tabby and i left for a while and then we eventually came back and smoked and i stayed at sidney's. then the next day i left and went to my moms house for the first time in like, a month. i swear i can be such a horrible daughter sometimes. i'd rather get fucked up with friends than see my mother once a week. whatever, i don't want to dwell on that right now. then, on wednesday, i worked. and then after work taylor and i smoked together. then thursday i think i hung out with haley before work and smoked, then after work i hung out with corbin and smoked. that friday i hung out with bret for a while, before work. then after work i smoked with mark and alan hilton. friday i worked and hung out with sidney, and then went and smoked with taylor and a few of his friends. then sunday i went to the zoo with my family. it was fun, except that it was pretty muggy and hot outside. and also a little rainy. i got to meet kayden's new girlfriend. she's a nice girl. and we got to see the elephants! except it was from far away, so that was a little disappointing. then i had to go to work until ten thirty, and afterwards i smoked with mark and alan again. then i drove all the way out to murfreesboro to hang out with corbin at his cousins house to drink and smoke. WELL, my car decided to break down. actually, it decided to overheat, and let me blow an intake gasket. i made it litterally RIGHT to his driveway. not in his driveway, RIGHT before it. then the next morning i didn't even make it to the interstate before i had to get my dad to come get me because it was overheating again. i did have fun at corbin's cousins house. we were pretty fucked up. i remember one part of the night where all of a sudden we were outiside with hotdogs on the grill. it was so weird. i didn't even remember discussing that we were hungry. corbin was so fucked up he didn't even remember over half of the night the next morning. but it was fun :) monday was memorial day...i went over to sidney's house and we layed out for a little while and then went to the store for her mom. we just hung out at her house most of the day until ten and then we went and smoked with taylor when he got off work. she just ended up staying the night with me because it was convenient. the next day i hung out with chelsea for a little while and we smoked. then the rest of the day i spent at home. it was horribly boring. i'm definitely not used to sitting around at home for long periods of time. it was torture. thursday i worked, and after workd taylor and i smoked again. today i finally hung out with haley again.. we smoked and went to the dam with jordin. i like jordin. i think we could be really good friends. it sucks that she's moving to virginia really soon. her husband lives there. (he's in the military. they basically just got married for the money. they love each other but i'm sure they would have waited longer, had it not been for the money issue.) after they dropped me off, chelsea came and got me and we smoked and went to target, then i came home. my car is fixed now. my dad picked it up today. i'm happy. getting rides from people is weird for me. i would hate to have to do it all the time. i would definitely not like being a bum and not having a job or anything. i don't really enjoy having to depend on other people. i guess i am a little more independant than i thought i was. i think my "addiction" to pot is getting a little out of hand. but i really don't want to stop, or even slow down. i just see that it's getting bad, but i don't really seem to care too much. maybe i will soon. hopefully i will, because i can't be smoking this much once i'm in school. i'd never get anywhere with that. i'm going to go smoke now, then i'll come back and add pictures and maybe some quotes. whatever i feel like doing since i'll be high as hell. :D
"Imagine you go away on a business trip one day and when you come back home your children have grown and you never made your wife moan. And people make you nervous. You’d think the world is ending. And everybody’s features have somehow started blending. Everything is plastic and everyone’s sarcastic. And all your food is frozen. It needs to be defrosted. You’d think the world was ending. Well, maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee and never ever watch the ten o’clock news. Maybe you should kiss someone nice. Or lick a rock. Or both."
"The world may never know the truth about your life, and that's because they don't care too. But when you find the ones who want to know every detail of your life, they're the ones to keep. They're the ones who keep you alive."
"I want to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly into the womb. I do not know who I am, where I am going - and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions."
"now you see me, now you don’t.
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1. WHAT IS THE FULL NAME OF YOUR EX? james ethan duke 2. WHEN DID YOU MEET? 3. HOW OLD WERE YOU THEN? 4. WHEN DID YOU START GOING OUT? 5. WHAT DID YOU NOTICE FIRST ABOUT THEM? 6. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU TALKED ABOUT THE FIRST TIME YOU MET? 7. WHEN DID YOU BREAK UP? 8. WHO BROKE UP WITH WHO? 9. WHY DID YOU BREAK UP? 10. HOW SERIOUS WAS THE RELATIONSHIP? 11. HOW LONG HAD YOU BEEN TOGETHER THE FIRST TIME YOU KISSED? 12. ...FRENCH KISSED? 13. ...MADE OUT? 14. ...HAD SEX? 15. DID YOU LOVE HIM/HER? 16. DID HE/SHE LOVE YOU? 17. DO YOU STILL FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT THEM? 18 DID YOU TRUST THEM? 19. DID YOU EVER CHEAT ON THEM? 20. DID THEY EVER CHEAT ON YOU? 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST PART OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP? 22. WHAT WAS THE WORST? 23. WERE YOU GOOD TO EACH OTHER? 24. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTE OF THEIRS? 25. HOW ABOUT NON-PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES? 26. DID THEY SMOKE, DO DRUGS, DRINK? HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? 27. DO YOU REGRET ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP? 28. IF SO, WHAT? 29. GIVEN THE CHOICE, WOULD YOU DO IT ALL AGAIN? 30. A GOOD MEMORY: 31. AND A BAD ONE: 32. DO YOU HATE YOUR EX NOW? 33. WOULD YOU TAKE THEM BACK? 34. HOW IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW? (STILL FRIENDS? NOT TALKING? HATING EACH OTHER?) 35. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW? |
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there is seriously something wrong with me. i was planning on just making this a short post with quotes and pictures..but now that i think about it, i have a lot to say an no one to say it to. i feel so messed up. i saw ethan tonight. i knew it would happen eventually, that we would see each other...but i didn't think it would be in the kroger parking lot, him sitting in his dads car while his dad and sister are inside, and him sitting in the car becuase he doesn't want to chance seeing me. that hurts when i read that...whatever. it was so awkward. and i'm so stupid for what i did on cinco de mayo. i'm so stupid for having to be fucked up everyday. i'm so stupid for even talking to marshall because he deserves so much better than me and i don't want to lead him on but i don't need a relationship right now in this time of my life. i can't even deal with myself, let alone another person. i can't even love myself, how am i supposed to let someone else love me? let alone let myself love them. it's not fair to him. i need help.
"My thoughts tend to sound better in books I didn’t write, and in the songs I didn’t sing. Even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way you feel. There is a double-edge comfort in knowing that no one really knows."
"how you knew that you were loved,
"Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there’s a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there’s a why. Maybe somewhere there’s that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen."
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yesterday was cinco de mayo. and i did what i said i was going to do. i went over to my sisters, and got drunk and high. well, i met her at her roomates marrissa's work, which is a golf course, so there was a bunch of old men there. and we drank a little. casey was already messed up because she had taken half of a xanax bar the night before and passed out and was still feeling it, plus she had already been drinking some. i drank two glasses of pineapple and cranberry with vodka. i'm not a beer kind of girl, so i went for that instead. then after that we went back to the apartment and were supposed to go eat mexican then come back and get drunk. (oh, all the people that we were with: casey, me, jessica tolley, josh witticker (sp?), pete (the neighbor who borrows "sugar" from my sister"), and his two friends that he was in the army with. one was a guy who they called la'gay because that's his last name, and the other was misty. her husband and her were good friends with those guys, and her husband died recently. it's so sad. and then some guy named ... well, i don't remember his name. but he lives in those apartments too and knows those people. who was a nerd, but a cute nerd, and he was starting to flirt with me in the hot tub but nothing ended up happening. anyways, we were at the apartment and decided to smoke and just go get some tequila and chill in the hot tub. so we did. it took forever because we had to go so many places, but in the end it was fun. we chilled in the hot tub for a while, then went and smoked some more, then we went back out to the hot tub. we jumped in the pool too like idiots because we were drunk and high and wanted to have fun. it was cold, but worth it. josh and jessica were flirting a lot but jessica didn't want to mess around with him because my sister has before. they've supposedly gone through a lot together sexual wise, i guess. anyways, we finally went back up to the room after i've drank a whole glass of a margarita, which had a whole bottle of tequila poured into it, and then a whole glass of this drink called "sicilian kiss", which was good as hell, but strong. casey passed right out when we got to the apartment. all that was left was me, josh, and jessica. well, jessica passed out. and josh and i were watching pineapple express and smoking, and we started messing around. we ended up having sex. he's almost 26, has been in jail, who knows how many people he's had sex with. i am horribly angry with myself. but it felt good. i was talking to sidney about how ...or was it chelsea? about how i like to have sex. what's wrong with it? guys can do it, so can i dammit. it's not fair that girls are whores if they have sex with people. i've only had sex with five guys now. i'm nowhere near half of my friends even. so i don't think i'm doing so bad. i'm trying to live my life to the fullest and do what i want. if i'm not happy right now, that's okay. i'm a fucking wreck. but i don't care. it's how i'm supposed to be. this is my life and i've just got to ride it out and things will turn out the way they're supposed to in the end. and i will be happy. i've been seriously thinking about thinking about joining the airforce. dad has been bugging the shit out of me for the longest time saying it will be a great experience and they pay for college and blah blah. and the traveling and the people i will meet! i really want to think about it...but at the same time i'm just not sure if i could do it. if i could leave everybody. i know it's not forever but for some reason that kind of stuff has always bothered me. i'm not sure why. i need to experience things outside of freaking mt juliet tn. or just tennesse in general. i want to see things! i've got one time to do this. one life. i want to live it to the fucking fullest! i think i'm going to consider it...my dad will get a kick out of this. i think everyone will. it's definitely not like me to do. i really must be fucked up in the head now.. "I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention. For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks-accidentally-and punctures your skin. And then there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you’re alive." -Running With Scissors
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i hate how i miss ethan still sometimes. i don't really know why i do either, when i know that he doesn't even think about me. oh well.... i'm tired of thinking of this. i think it's time to go get high and pass out, wake up, smoke with haley, and then go to my moms house. then tuesday is cinco de mayo and i'm hanging out with casey and maybe chelsea will come out there and we're going to get drunk!
"If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; & if you haven't, you can't possibly imagine it "There hasn't been one day since you left
Look, I know this sucks for you because of him and I want to be there for you, I do, but I can't do this anymore. I can't keep being your second choice - not when you're my first. "It's like no matter how much I have to do,
"I miss you, when something really good happens, you’re the "It's an interesting time in your life because "What did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did
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with marijuana. mary-jane. mmmmmm love love love love love love love x's infinity. if you could be addicted to it, i would be. i think i am actually. mentally, you know? and i love it soo much. i don't know what i would do without it. it's amazing and makes me feel wonderful. I'M HIGHHHH ahhhhh i feel so good. this music is amazing. i just feel so relaxed. everything is relaxed and slow and chillllll. this is for you, mary. one love!      
i'm just so high and this looks beautiful : i want a guy to say this to me lol:
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i'm not sure what my mood is today. i'm pretty damn bored right now. chelsea is in florida, nicole hasn't talked to me since yesterday, i feel like being friends with sidney is becoming too difficult, i don't really have anything to talk to tabby about, and haley...well, we usually just talk when we hang out. i'm going to marshall's later...that's about it. then i work tomorrow and thursday, then saturday. i just feel blah right now. kind of like my mind wants to be sad, but it can't for some reason, so i feel nothing and i'm really just super BORED. ughhh. this is annoying. well, here's this just because i'm bored and have nothing better to dooo!
I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.  "We are not the same person this year as last - nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."
"love is how you treat someone all day, every day. "We fight mainly for one reason. Cause when you fight you truely find out how much you`re willing to take before you break. & when you break you need to see if that other person truly cares enough to make everything okay again; cause without fighting, liars of love could be walking all over the place."
"Don't worry about me, my hearts not broken anymore. You should be worrying about yourself. Because as far as I can see, you're still an asshole."
He might be everything to you now,
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i'm not sure if i ever mentioned this, but nicole and i had stopped being friends for maybe two weeks. maybe three, i'm not for certain. we're friends again, but i can tell how much she puts kade before me. it's understandable a little because for some stupid reason most girls do that anyways, but she's doing it ridiculously. it almost seems as if she's obsessed with him. he treats her like shit and she loves him sooo much. just because he's being sweet now doesn't mean it's going to last and she knows it. he does it all the time, and she believes him every time. having a child with him is only a good excuse to a certain extent. it's way beyond that point now. he might as well not even be the father anyways, so she basically can't use that excuse at all. and when i say that i mean that he never sees kayden, never does anything for him, the only thing he did was donate his sperm, and he didn't even do that really willingly thinking that a child would come from it. we all know that. he's too imature and stupid to have a child. i'm starting to think that the things i'm saying are a little harsh, so i'm going to stop myself here because i feel bad, even though i shouldn't. the point of all of this is that yes, nicole and i are friends again, but i can tell the difference. i'm starting to question why she even apologized in the first place, because i keep getting the vibe that things are weird between us and i keep feeling paranoid that she's using me, even though i don't know what i have to offer that someone could use me for. i just feel like she doesn't really care that much about our friendship. but why should i feel that way when she was the one who came to me apologizing? i shouldn't, but i do. i feel like nicole and i are at our best when her and kade aren't doing good. that's sad. it's really sad that she can't balance the two out, but that's the way she is. and i've known that for all the 8 years i've been best friends with her. i've known it, and i've stuck around. in the end, it's my own fault for feeling like shit when she ditches me or ignores me or chooses kade over me. but i do have to point out that who has been there for her EVERY SINGLE TIME that kade has hurt her in any way, to listen to her rant and cry and say how that's it, no more...i have. i've been there every time. to listen to her, to give her advice, a shoulder to cry on. or just to get high with so we can forget all the shit we've been going through. i have. i've been there when he chose not to be. when he's decided that he's getting tired of her, or she's getting on his nerves, or just when he wants to be an asshole for no reason, i've always been there. and yet she still chooses him over me. when the day comes that he really doesn't want anything to do with her anymore, and that's it, it's really over, who will be there? will i be there then? i can't say for certain, but i probably will be. when he's gone from her life (not completely, hopefully, and i'm only saying that because of kayden) and she doesn't have him around, i'll still be there, just like i always have. and whether or not she'll realize all that i've done for her and be grateful for it, i really can't say. i'm not sure she's ever chosen to see it. now, on to sidney. i think i've mentioned that i haven't been talking to her much lately. we're drifting apart, and i know she sees it. i know she knows her ignoring me and ditching me has bothered me, and i also know that she doesn't care. well sidney, if it doesn't bother you, please don't come to me when you and rob are having problems. she texted me last night telling me about rob cuddling with another girl while he was drunk. i was there for her of course, but i probably shouldn't have been. why should i care anymore? has she been there for me lately? does she know ANYTHING that's going on in my life anymore? does she even care to? no. she doesn't. because if she did she would have made an effort. and the excuse "phones go both ways" doesn't apply here. it won't work. because i have tried. not a whole lot, but why would i if i'm getting nothing in return when i do try? i just don't know anything anymore. i love nicole and i love sidney, but i feel like we're all drifting, and they don't care, but i do.
"Is there anything that I could do that someone doesn’t do for you?
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sad
sick
confused
okay
high
bored
